The place for yakking, yakking, yakking. The place for talking, chatting, commenting, whining, cursing, gloating.
The online version of the old-fashioned diary - the web blog.

In a flash of lightning, 2 weeks of holidays has gone by..or maybe I should say 3?? I haven't done anything decent, I suppose. A boring countdown of the events of my life only serves to exaggerate the boredom. Nevertheless, so that I may remember the crappy ways in which I waste time in the future, I shall dutifully note down those so-called 'noteworthy' happenings... ever since the beginning...

1. My attempt to make my house wireless was, suffice it to say, a making in the disaster.... wait... it wasn't a making... It WAS a disaster. After sulking for days, pulling Trax along to SLS to see wireless equipment, amazingly getting my dad to 'willingly' foot the bill, on a particular Thursday night during the first week of holidays, the deed was done. The purchase of a particular Netgear router and its corresponding wireless adapter in its package deal. So I happily returning home with the intention of being able to be surfing on wireless in the comfort of the aircon of my bedroom for the rest of the night... or so I thought...

My PC was still in the back room, after my dad had taken the 'wrong' initiative earlier that day to cart it there. So I conveniently thought it would be but a 5min job to get the wireless access up and going. True enough, getting the wired connections going through the new router took only 3min. BUT the wireless one...

Well, I thought the problem was the adapter, or specifically the adapter driver. It seemed somehow to clash with my Windows!!! The proprietary wireless control program which was supposed to appear if there was a wireless connection did NOT appear onscreen! Furthermore, Windows couldn't see the device at all after installation because it could not see the wireless adapter! I spent one whole night haggling with the driver, culminating in uninstalling Windows and starting from scratch before the wireless could finally work.. that is while the router was next to the adapter.

Next problem after shifting the PC back into my room. Well, now the wireless connection couldn't be detected! All the bullshit about a 100m range of wireless network was purely that... since the distance in between was a mere 25m, albeit with a few walls (but without steel only concrete!) The problem eventually was only solved by shifting the cable modem and the router into the living room on top of the showcase cabinets... well, at the cost of creating the problem of there being no connection to the 2 PCs in the back room. But finally I had connection at the end of the week! Hurray!

Sadly speaking, this was still not the end of the problem. Eventually, we bought another additional wireless adapter for use with the PCs in the back room. However, wireless connections suck, or rather the Netgear router sucks. Dropped wireless connections for no rhyme of reason was a big cause (Which caused me to restart every time it was dropped... after any time span from 15min to 10h). Attempts to solve this have not been foolhardy... I'm now using a static IP configuration (which is supposedly more stable... after reading countless Amazon reviews... and thereby also learning that this particular model of a router has a huge number of complaints!!) and I've learnt that there is a simpler way than restarting to get back the connection.

My other huge enemy was LINUX! For the wireless adapter had no Linux driver support! Attempts to integrate a particular in-the-workings 3rd-party PRISM driver failed, because the code had only been in the working for a few weeks then! Attempts to resort to VMWare and Virtual PC failed, because for some reason they cut my connection (well, I probably just didn't realize that my stupid router cuts connection anyhow). Anyway, in the space of 2 weeks, I reinstalled Windows thrice, uninstalled and reinstalled VMWare and Virtual PC dunno how many times, figured out that my MSN Messenger mostly acts crazy on this new router (which Amazon reviews have reported that Netgear apparrently admits they're working to 'fix' this existing problem with MSN Messenger..) Finally, am running Knoppix's hard-install of Debian on VMWare now... probably rather final, that is until I have a go at installing the other 5 distros of Linux that I have successfully on hand. But by the end of all, I guess I've just lost interest in everything.

So, my first 2 weeks was spent doing silly stuff like this. What an awful waste of time.

2. UROP commences. Whoo... what a terror.. compounded by Trax's horrendously diligence (nice mirror to reflect my laziness hor?) Project settled down, went to see Julianna, amazingly managed to bluff my way through for the framework part and convinced her to let me only hand in the first part of my research in the beginning of June (and led her to think I've read a lot of papers when.. er... I think I've only read 'some' papers which unfortunately are mostly irrelevant...) Anyway, hahaha.. Since my topic can't hardly go 'off track' and I don't have to come up with some working algorithm like in Trax's case (which hehe.. he hasn't been able to since CMC shoots them down like flies everytime he sees him). I should do more research as soon as I have more time, yeah, no, whether I have more time or not... wait, but I'm going back to school nowadays almost everyday with my laptop to read online journals (kinda stupid huh? Might as well stay home and read?) ... Kekez.. the real motive of course is something else...

3. My auntie-of-a-mother has finally been convinced by her sister that yes, I should be allowed to learn driving! Yeah! But that means I should take the so called Basic Driving Theory test by the end of this month when... well, I looked through the book yesterday morning and yawnz... how can I ever remember all those signs? I think it's easy cos it's pure memory work but it's so booooring!!

4. Mrs See is finally tired of me arguing with her over my next repetoire (not bad lah.. she got tremandous patience I think..) and has decreed that I shall do the Bach Chromatic Fantasy (conveniently letting me know you're in for hell for this one..), scrap the Chopin ballade, and either dump in a Brahms Cappricio or Faure nocturne for the romantic portion... The good news is, Prokofiev is 100% in; the bad, Ballade is confirmed out... well, still got unsettled stuff.. I could still argue for Debussy... well, in the meantime, I should concentrate on Prokofiev (ok.. wishing that Trax will hurry up go incamp and leave me alone instead of....)

5.... Being stuck with being 'pregnant' aka stomach flu, hobbling around with a wierd stomach that automatically pukes everything with either oily, dairy or egg contents in it out. Anyway, good luck to him if he can only eat oats with water and sugar. Anyway am seeing him everyday nowadays (well almost most weekdays huddling in the Journal section of CL reading research papers, that is...) that should change since he's going reservice officially on Thu, unofficially probably next week (haha.. got MC what..) so I've like 2 weeks of free time to myself in which I really should get some work done.. hmm...

6. And before my 6610 finally dies on me, I've to get a new hp soon! It so happens that I suspect some buttons are getting out of alignment due to age and misuse, but it hasn't died yet... as in it sometimes malfunctions... then I spend an hour plus anyhow pressing and it works fine again. Nevertheless, it's probably good to change it while it's working, just that the problem is my contract isn't up and I lose $100 because of that. Well, that definitely makes the Nokia 6220, current desired phone kinda out of reach. ST55 by Siemens looks OK, but really not very sure... Sony Ericsson's T610 seems cheap and has everything... but I would like to stick to Nokia if possible.. since I haven't found a brand without any more idiot-proof interface yet....

...In the meantime, it's so nice to have a computer in the room though...

...Can sleep late, wake up late, download stuff overnight...

...Enjoy aircon, enjoy music on stereo speakers, enjoy crapping around...

...Probably start watching the new drama I bought today quite soon...

...Yawnz... going to bed.

OK...OK... kena tricked already... after all that Trax told me about the 'I Owe U' balloon last night that was supposed to come with a helium tank, I thought my birthday present was really supposed to be that... but of course it wasn't... come to think of it I really am not sure why I fell for it.......

Anyway, it's strange how life has taken yet another strange turn which I'm still unaccustomed to. After moving out of hostel, I'm now back at home but it's so strange. Well, the good news is the computer is now in my bedroom; the bad news is that it has no internet connection however!! Unless my attempts to persuade my dad to buy a wireless router succeed...

Hmm... seems like I'll be going out everyday this week... haha... supposed this is my way of destressing after the exams... as long as the results don't come out I think I'll be fine since this must be one of my worst terms ever... but ah well...

I'm supposed to start practising my piano really hard, but I still haven't practised it. For some strange reason or other, I've been feeling really tired nowadays... wanting to sleep at ultra early times like 10pm!!! Think my sleep-cycle is really upside down now....

Anyway will be going out again tomorrow... dunno my piano how... plus I borrowed a stack of novels and a Linux book to entertain myself.. some more must teach my mother how to use Win XP/Office XP/Internet suddenly... she seems to have developed this wierd urge to learn computing after her stay at my aunt's house...

Received yh's postcard from NZ finally... thanks... reminds me that I'm not on holidays.. haiz... truly admire all those who're overseas now... yh... sourire... onefern... si.... arrrrgghhh....

Yupe.. this holiday will not be that boring after all.

Vices are neverending cicular chains of habits. Perhaps the flesh is weak, such that one engages in irrational activities all the while. So now I'm harnessing the consequences of that horrible Evolution essay deadline this upcoming Monday, but I've only finished reading 2 books! Grossly insuficient for any respectable research essay!

Granted it's my own doing... one simply cannot play Simcity for an afternoon because the time lost is irretrievable. Should probably have skipped the NUSPE session last night, in view of my outstanding workload. Even NUSPE is no longer a peace haven as ugly politics rears its head onto the 'organization'. Am I too idealistic to see the plausibility of abstracting business functions from leisure apart? Perhaps I should learn to let go. Just that I'm rather disappointed at the rates things are changing. Change. How ironic. The cynic in me never trusts anything, because simply each time trust is given something has to upset that balance of trust maintained. The idealist in me believes that dreams do exist for a reason and have a suitable possibility of being fulfilled. But in this case, I think the cynical view is more suitable. If and when I finally just accept the view that every relationship is but a mutual making use and manipulation of the other party for one's own gains, then there wouldn't be any dilemna. Perhaps ideals don't truly exist. Ideals only exist because they are nicer pretensions of some less noble, selfish cause.

Wishing that I could be a hermit or a nomad. Just feel like taking to the hills or the grasslands sometimes, just to avoid all these usual evils of society. When will I ever find that peace in me, that haven somewhere, that just has to exist?? Or ultimately, when will I ever learn that I've just plausibly romanticized every notion that comes across in my head and am just believing in a mirage that doesn't exist?

There are a lot of things that I've grown to not do. Those things which I used to think essential, I no longer feel the urge or compulsion to do. Those things which I used to put off infinitely, I can now have the patience to sit down painstakingly to do. Sometimes even I'm surprised at the changes that I've managed to wrought in myself. It all doesn't make sense. But then, in some way, it does. Life. How trite. It is all about trading one set of priorities over another. Ultimately, it is all so meaningless. We just do it for the sake of doing it, because we have to do it, because we suddenly realized we need to do it, because of the herd mentality, whereby we're just following other people doing it.

Perhaps this is the so called 'growing up process' that they used to talk about in our younger, teenage days. It's sort of wierd to say this, but somehow, I feel so old sometimes. I used to think I was past all these irrational, meaningless things that serve little purpose but to dredge up more miseries. Or more importantly, I never went through a very erratic teenage phase. Is this what they mean by age catching up, so that some things are really what everyone has to go through; it's just a matter of time. That doesn't seem to be a good argument. I don't buy it. But then I don't have an alternative paradigm to replace it, or so to speak.

Is this all because too many changes are happening too furiously, too suddenly, all at once in my life? Such that the destruction it has caused to my prior relatively stable cycle has all but demolished those things which I had regarded as certainties, and instead, established another set of rules to play the game by? Or is this but a facade of the ageing process, when one gradually grows to sees the same thing in a different perspective somehow? Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm changing, but the world is not. It's a wierd feeling of being a 3rd-party outside and observer, not participating, watching everyone around revolving around the NUS world, reacting to the daily events, what's more realizing that in the not too distant past I was a part of that world, reacting to the same events, in more or less the same manner. Or rather, is it just because I've not changed but the world has? Either way, it's a feeling of displacement, and in a world of chaos, perhaps that new set of priorities is what I hang on to, for it provides a semblance of stability, such that I don't get carried away by the world, such that I have a last measure to hang on to stop the winds of change swirling around me.

Maybe this is just fatigue, another manifestation of the escapist mentality within me that longs to break away from the world. Hence the dreams of an alternative reality and life in another part of the world. Hence the vision suddenly of life elsewhere. Or probably it's just one person's overwhelming influence that is constructing another alternative perspective of the world, a perspective which I'm forced to admit grudgingly does have its merits. "The grass is always greener on the other side," or so they say. I never really believed in that saying, but what I do know is that if I hang around too long, it is only a matter of time before I get sucked into the wider fabrics of society, to become part of that conformist culture which I so despise. But then that feeling of superiority only prevails while I'm not in the culture. This is what gives me my individuality and identity. What happens if that identity is vanquished? I don't know, and I don't wish to find out. So probably I will take the precautionary measures of breaking away first. I don't know.

I used to believe in fairytales when I was younger. But as one grows older, it's only a matter of how much hurt one can take and observe around, before one loses the courage to adopt that over-idealistic point of view. And so we revolve around society, prancing around the stage as bodies, more observing than participating, as we gradually learn what are the best ways to live our lives by, to make ourselves if not happy, at least not unhappy, and slightly contented. If that is the case, then I can only say I'm becoming greedy once again, when I long for something more. Is it even possible to bring back those fairytales? I don't know, but why not try? I'm probably still too naive and immature to even harbour these over-simplistic notions of happiness, probably also a trite too perfectionist. So what is second-best when one can have the best? Greed breeds discontent with the current situation, which necessarily provides the impetus for change.

In a way, my life has become as much of a cocoon as it ever was. Just a closed up shell within which I only allow elements that I want to enter that private sphere. That contact with the public world is minimized to such an extent that it is only there because it is necessary to keep a reasonable amount of contact with the public world to make myself relevant to society, such that society doesn't forget my existence. Sometimes I wish that could happen, but society being the narrow-minded and unforgiving set of disparate elements it is, it is too much to ask for acceptance for being an outcast. You either belong or you don't. And I've never belonged.

In certain ways, my dream as a nomad trudging the corners of this earth has been awakened yet again. A rather unrealistic take on life, but then that is myself. Until the moment when I shed this facacde of my personality, I will always be me. And hopefully this will never change. But the world being so full of changes as it is, and I myself never having predicted the direction my life is taking now, I would say that that's yet another naive assumption. Perhaps, afterall, there is no such thing as individuality afterall. We are all but agents bounded to this imperfect system, and the best we can only do is make the most of what we have. And to remain content with our lot, for there is certainly no room to question the system, or just to drop out of it altogether completely.

It's been a terribly harrowing 2 weeks... really... I'm so glad it's over even if my 2103 project is going to get a C- (Freak... although I don't like finger pointing but still... assholes!!!) Maybe I should just let go of certain things, but I find that I really can't... and so for the first time in my life I was like really going out of control over everything... anyway it's over, for the worse it's over... Shall try to concentrate on more positive happenings like my very nice Global Politics website group project (That's really one of the BEST groups I ever worked with... we had an extremely successful project [sure can score kind] and we only ever had one meeting! And only did our work like 1 week out of the 1 month we were given! Yupe.. that's how group projects should be like... everyone sets a high standard for himself, takes the initiative to do what he can, splits up the work, and is just generally on the same wavelength.. that's what I think group projects should be like...

But meanwhile, if the perfectionist in me starts working, I should start working on my Politics research paper, my 3251 business term paper, read a LOT MORE and participate a LOT MORE in the Evolution forum, start learning calculus to do Statistics (I really hate that subject! Sheesh... going to fail it man...) and 2103 'motivate' my #%@#)(*%&) group to start coding. Well, In the meantime I also have to finish selling my allotted share of NUSPE tickets (The ONLY thing I really hate about concerts is selling tickets... only then I wish I had a larger social circle..) Haiz.. when it comes to money everyone gets into such a bitchy mood... Anyway shouldn't mention internal troubles...

Hmm.. realized Trax left his waterbottle on my table.. forgetful dode... Going out for dinner in the PGP non-aircon canteen in 10 minutes... Maybe I should finally see Zyon's room (and get jealous why I don't have a dolphin stuffed toy on my bed). This weekend I think I will finally make a trip downtown to do some shopping... I need a concert dress and I desperately need flats... can't 'tahan' wearing slippers with heels anymore... they are such a nuisance in climbing stairs and walking over drains. Goal tonight should be to finish reading my 2nd Dawkins book... and of course there's a third as well... or should i read statistics? Darn.. I really HATE maths to the core...

OK... going down for dinner with Zyon... let's see... the non-aircon canteen is kind of far so maybe I should start walking there....

Baah. I'm writing this just after I've downed an enormous cup of coffee, THE stimulant that will HAVE to keep me awake tonight, for at least another foreseeable 3 hours till I finish and wrap up all my studying for CS3251. Not only that, probably will have to wake up after another 3 hours to churn out something for my project meeting at 10am on Monday morning... which wouldn't have been all that bad at all if it weren't for that I've done next to nothing for it!!! Groanz... I haven't nailed all my doubts about Stats... Die... I'm really going to fail Stats... Damn....

Life is really ridiculous. Had to wake up this morning, at 10am (due to Biological clock system going 'rite' nowadays), in the hope of doing some serious studying. The serious studying unfortunately didn't commence till I spent 2h quarrelling with Trax about my actions and his comments. Suffice to say he made a stupid accusation on me and an equally pissy comment that pissed me off. So quarrel. And since I'm oh-so-hopeless at all forms of quarrels I couldn't concentrate and multitask and spent all my 2h quarrelling. After we hadn't quarrelled for a week and I thought that things were slowly changing again. But nope. I should have known better.

It's oh-all-so-meaningless of course coz we patched up after 2h after I'd finished yelling at him and he at me on ICQ and by the time I switched on the phone it was more-or-less a spiceless affair of apologies and silences. Did I even mention that this is all quite 'normal' by our standards and that we're not exactly going to break up tomorrow? Oh well, we're definitely probably NOT normal beings anyway.. probably quite abnormal by anyone else's standards.

I studied straight on non-stop for 3 chapters of 3251, then discovered that I didn't have Minztberg's effective strategies' criteria on hand, and being the ultra-kiasu person I am, of course had to troop off to the library to get the book. That cost me an hour and a half, counting of course the lunch that I squeezed in on my way back at 4pm. Suffice to say when I restarted work at 4.38PM, I had to fall asleep yet again to wake up at 6pm!!! Luckily managed to finish the next 3 chapters at full speed by 8.30PM... now I've to cover chapters 7 and 8 plus the notes part when I will finally declare CS3251 done! At least, I'm not going to do Chapters 18 and 21 coz' they're quite irrelevant from what I can remember I read of them before.

Skipped dinner. The good thing about late lunch is that you won't need dinner. Then spent an hour craping with Trax over SOC forums and keeping ourselves entertained at the 'richness' of the conversations and flamings that go on @ the forums. Really, I hadn't known the SOC Forums even existed in the first place, nor were they that 'interesting'... Hmm, maybe I should 'participate' more in my own community and make my presence felt too?? Ah well, I suppose I'm just bored.

It's 12.32AM now so I probably should go back to work. And darn, what can I write for the Politics group project? I can't do it because I'm sorely out of time, despite really liking that project the most out of all the tasks I've on hand to do. And the coffee isn't really effective. I think I added too little coffee and too large a portion of milk. OK. Or maybe I should go wash my face. That should help, I think.

Sometimes just wish I could get away from all this frantic, meaningless bustling around. Or as I mentioned to Trax before, let's take a week off whatever we're doing, and just go stay in some chalet somewhere, WITHOUT Internet access, without any access to the world preferably, without thinking of work, just doing nothing, talking rubbish, doing rubbish... Just like the days when we used to take holidays in the middle of school term in Uppsala. Of course they'll be detrimental to workload, but frankly, who cares? OK, I've already reaped the 'terrific' consequences which are lasting in nature, by the way. Anyway, will be meeting up with ANders for dinner this Wednesday night, and intend to enjoy myself. That too, Saturday evening is a good time to look forward to relaxing and unwinding a teeny-weeny bit after all the stress of the mid-terms and project deadlines... why must they all be at the same time? Sigh, since when was the last time I read a novel? A year ago? Life really has changed...

It's been a depressing week. Really. I don't have anything else to say about this week.

I'm so busy that I don't know what I'm busy for anymore. Friday's Software Engineering test was neither good nor bad; it was OK. It was damn rushed. It was an exercise in the making to try to convince myself within that ultra short period of 1h to finish one question to move on to the next one. Well, I answered everything but probably all wrongly, due to lack of time for further consideration. So much for perfection. I'm aiming for a state that doesn't exist at all.

And to top it off, there's the Technology and strategy test on Monday, and of course the biggest all-time headache -- Statistics test on Tuesday. Groan. If there's one test I'm going to fail, it's the Stats one. Plus I haven't done anything substantial for my Politics group project. I feel so guilty about the whole thing. But I'm so terribly busy (on paper). Cancelled my piano class today because I need to mug this weekend. Yet in the end, how much did I manage to accomplish, really?

This week's also a shocking week for other reasons. An aunt passed away, for no apparent reason. I wasn't close to this particular aunt, and for the absurdities of family politics, I hope never to entangle myself too deeply into extended family affairs. Yet, it still came as a terrible shock; I mean how would I feel if I was in my cousins' shoes? Went for a while to the wake held at the Singapore Casket Center, partly in place of my mum who's just finished her organ removal operation, so as the daughter I naturally had to represent her. Not that I think she should go anywhere at all other than lie in bed these days; even though technology has improved to such an extent that operations seem like chicken feet, they're still, in my opinion, operations and anything that involves blood more or less makes me feel limp.

As if to worsen matters, after I came back from the funeral, had to find out from jh that a certain ex-primary school classmate just died. Oh man, what is the world coming to? Is life really that unpredictable and unexpected? Or really that worthless and valueless that it can be thrown away that lightly? Granted, our wretched existence on this earth isn't really anything to boast of, but it's still some form of existence. Can you imagine not existing at all? Just being some inorganic material?

For a while, as I lay stunned and so terribly depressed on my chair, I started drifting into yet another depression spiral. So much so that I was convinced that I was suffering from clinical depression, and promptly got myself numerous online tests to assess whether I was really depressed, and then becoming promptly disappointed that I was only in a 'sad' and NOT depressed state. Sigh. The thought bubble of seeing a shrink has just been shattered.

Still, in the view of all these larger life issues, I really have to wonder why we even bother about things as insignificant as tests. What would you remember about your tests in future? Or your results for that matter? Perhaps I'm suffering from yet another guilt attack of all the things that I should do but I haven't managed to do, like practising my pieces for the upcoming concert, like EVEN spending sufficient time at the piano (which I sorely lack nowadays), or even simple, silly things like treasuring family time and calling my mum more often. Yet even as I remain wistful about those relatively rare periods of time, I know that my pattern of living will still not change. Call it stubbornness. Call it self-centeredness. Or just call it plain rethoric. I am already stuck in an endless cycle, such that the days are endless and blend meaninglessly into each other. The irony is that all that work will come to naught, because it will not translate into better grades. So why am I doing anything at all?

Perhaps life would have been better if I had had that strong conviction like jh that we would all not live beyond 30. Unlike her, however, I never had that conviction; the most I got to that stage was that I was convinced I would die of a terminal illness quickly (Aids). I've never really indulged myself in fantasies of going bakc in time, perhaps because rather sadly, at every stage of my life, I've never felt that there was something so important and irreplacable that I need to go backwards in time in order to regain that feeling. All that I once treasured and really cared for, I've either grown out of it, lost the urge for it, or still have it preserved or going today. Is that lucky? Or is it unlucky? For I can't even say that the past is a haven for escapism.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just rambling. Well, since it's 1.25AM and I still haven't started 1 of 10 chapters that I must all know by Monday, I guess I'm entitled to ramble. Treat it as the night-time ramblings of some idiot who wants to sleep but yet cannot sleep. Therefore, sleep-deprived.

It's Valentine's Day today... so?

Suddenly I realized why people who are unattached hate this day. I was sitting in the bus today listening to the radio station, and the whole program was flooded with visitor requests and lovey-dovey messages; even the songs broadcasted were mostly love songs.

Imagine how devastating it must be to those who've just broken up and are suddenly tormented with memories of their ex; that or those who are single not by choice but because of unreciprocated affections.

How funny that I never realized this before. For the past 20 Valentine's Day that I went through, I had utterly no feelings towards the commercialized festival. Sure, I was single, so?

I guess people really do change, even if you think you remain stationary at the same point in life.

Had a pretty meaningless day overall. Piano lesson, went praying at the Guanyin Temple, bought Trax's V-day present, landed up in Bugis Junction spluring on Fashion Lab cheap-sale spoils. Alas, there goes my resolution to remain thrifty... Ah well, I shall resolve not to go out (shopping) for the next couple of weekends since all the mid-terms are around the corner.

Got back at around 10pm, so late that I seriously doubt I can start mugging Statistics proper. Landed up catching up on other people's blogs, and being relatively amused by the debate Kendra sparked off with YourFriend about girls, tai-tais and degrees. Can't say I agree with both hers or YourFriend's views. Strongly disagree that all taitais are brainless, and are reduced to being mere 'commodities' of their husband, although can't deny that this is partially true for some taitais. If a taitai is someone who managed to land the catch of a rich husband, surely it doesn't mean that her only task in life after marriage is to do nothing but while away time, act as a show-off trophy to her husband and monitor the maids and kids? Granted it might be true in the older days, but I would say that in today's society, the taitai might very well have her own career, especially if she has such aspirations and the prerequisite educational qualifications. So I wouldn't say outright that all taitais have no careers, especially if that career is a respectable and accomplished one.

You know, it's kind of funny to think about this. It wasn't so long ago in life when my only supporting reasons for marriage were 1) for money (like the taitai, but actually I was thinking more in terms of a marriage of convenience) or 2) for love. Obviously the ideal would be a marriage that involves both, but in terms of reality that is perhaps too slim a chance to be even a remote possibility. But those were the days when I thought of myself as unmeltable ice with zero chance of falling in love with anyone.

But today, I probably believe more in reason 2). Because if you think about it, what is the purpose of marriage really? For financial security? I find it extremely naive to believe in that, given the divorce rates today, and also because the society is increasingly filled with equal earning power couples nowadays, so financial security is less of a compelling reason to get married. What about procreation? Oh yeah, that's a good one, and the one I'm still being continously fed by my parents, but I think it is utterly wrong to think about getting married in order to have kids, even if one professes the noble aim of being able to provide for a stable upbringing for the kid. Biologically, as a female, I do not believe I need to get married to have a kid; I only need to get married to have a kid so that I will not be subjected to societal stigma; to put it plainly, I have to get married in order to have a kid because I'm afraid society will condemn me otherwise, and I cannot deal with that condemnation. And I really don't believe that it's better for the kid to grow up all his life with only one parent, rather than have him suffer the trauma of his parents breaking up because they find themselves incompatible years down the road, or have a set of parents who so obviously do not love each other but just stay together because of the kid. So ultimately, love is the only thing that binds 2 people together to stay together in a marriage, which is a messy business of giving and taking, for it is the only thing that provides the impetus for these 2 individuals to make that effort in the first place.

Yet putting the blame squarely on 'love' might not be a good idea, especially when 'love' is such a problematic topic. The only thing I think everyone agrees 'love' is about is that it is beautiful and brings people joy, and that it is rarely forever and completely present (Thus the numerous love songs being bombarded at us because of the rarity of such perfect love). Perhaps I'm being a bit too overboard in saying this, but I believe 'love' is different from a 'relationship', even as it is different from a 'crush'. 'Love', I believe, is confiding, understanding, trusting, with no other purpose other than that you enjoy each other's company and would do everything you could to keep things going that way. Whereas a 'relationship' is but a state whereby 2 people are together for whatever reasons only they themselves know. I believe the most important distinction between the 2 is why those 2 people came together in the first place; 'love' begins and grows as the 2 parties fully integrate each other into the other's lives, and is definitely a subset of a 'relationship.' But a 'relationship' need not be 'love'; if the relationship had started off on the wrong footing and was based only on 1) one party pursuing the other; 2) one party idolizing the other; 3) both parties taking what they need from each other (eg. bf wants a beautiful gf to show off; gf wants someone to foot the prices), then I would think that it would not last, and it would only be a matter of time when the relationship breaks off, or continues aimlessly (especially if there are now kids to complicate the issue).

In my opinion, a 'relationship' is often mistaken for 'love', people think they are in love just because they 1) want to think so; 2) other people think they are in 'love' and they are merely living up to other people's expectations; 3) an extreme case of having a crush or pure idolation and so on.... the list of reasons for why people are in a 'relationship' are simply endless and different for everyone. But my point is, having a 'relationship', even a good and sustainable one, doesn't mean you are in love. Of course, 'love' does not automatically cure everything; 'love' doesn't always work out, especially if the parties involved lack courage to overcome the obstacles to their 'love', or to persevere to preserve that 'love'. Like a glass apple, 'love' is fragile, and needs to be protected and cherished. And I don't think it's unattainable, just that it's extremely rare to meet that right person. So shoot me for saying this, I'm a bigot alright, but I think 99% of the people in this world don't know what is 'love', don't care for 'love', or have given up on 'love'. And that, I believe strongely describes the marriage scene today, hence my next to insurmountable inertia to get married.

As I said before, my only reason for marriage eventually would be for love. In the meantime I will enjoy whatever I have, since i don't really know how long it can last. I started this with that obstacle in view, and that obstacle will still remain, and it will take me the next couple of years to find out whether it will still be there eventually. But eventually, if I have to make the choice, I'll let it go, much like the theme song in the Korean movie Wanee and Junah:

I wish you love [Lisa Ono]

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this,
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth,
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never ever be
So with my best, my very best,
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never ever be
So with my best, my very best,
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love

When snowflakes fall, I wish you love
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love...

PS: Since I can't decide whether to continue blogging with livejournal or pitas, I shall continue with both, and mirror all future entries in both. Each server acts as a backup for the other as well too, so it's just as well....

It's been 2 months since I last updated my blog. It isn't because I've closed it down for good. It's just that in the light of how things are going, I thought it would be more appropriate that my next blog entry would be a summary, generalization, reflections of the interchange between Singapore and Sweden. In a sense, I wanted this to be a closure to exchange, so that I could fit back into Singapore life. But as day after day passed and I still couldn't go back to the things that were before, I realized that probably I never would. And then I procrastinated; I put things off. So more days passed. I promised myself that if I could not come to a closure, I would not write. So my blog remained a blank slate for 2 months.

..............................................................................................

Exchange - The Start

Exchange has changed me. I know it sounds cliched, but it did, in more ways than one. Reading yh's blog in New Zealand nowadays always puts a smile on me. He's just the best reminder of the state of mind that I was in when starting exchange, the penny pinching, the 'blurness' at how the entire system operates, the lack of a social circle, the slowness in the pace of life, or so overwhelmingly, the feeling of being alone. In a sense, that is most exhilirating and liberating; on a more negative note, it just induces fear, trepidation, uncertainty, in everything you do, in every decision you make. You know that every move has a consequence, but you can't tell what the consequence is. You want to do certain things, but you don't know how to go about doing them. You want materialistic luxuries to settle into your new life, like the way you used to be in Singapore, but all of a sudden, all those things that you are used to in Singapore, you can't afford. Your entire lifestyle is turned upside down, from the long/short waking hours, to the daily chores that suddenly rear its head on you. You have all the free time in the world, as you thought you would have before you came on exchange, but all of a sudden you find that you actually have less time to yourself, because you must do all those things that you would not have done in Singapore, or that take so long to settle now that what you perceive as the inefficiency of the new country fully annoys you, a you that was used to things being done immediately, spontaneously, on-the-spot in Singapore (-else complain, in the true-blue Singaporean manner).

Then before you know it, a month or two has passed. Your term has started for some time; now in addition you also have 'new' schoolwork to cope with, in an educational system so alien to your own that you don't know what is expected of you. You look at the other local students around you, who are so relaxed that school doesn't seem to pressurize them at all, while all you can think of is your new assignment and its corresponding deadline, and that you have no idea how to start doing it at all, or any confidence that you can complete it at all. You thought school here would be so relaxed, but you suddenly realize that it isn't school that is relaxing here because it unexpectedly produces so much stress in you. And after some time in the system, you gradually realize that in every part of the world, success or failure is so subjective. In Singapore, the emphasis was always on the academic aspect; here, people simply place less emphasis on what was most important in Singapore. That, however, contrary to your initial belief, isn't at all less stressful, but more stressful. Because while the locals can take a laidback approach to their life because they know the system and what is expected of them, you don't, so you keep a tight rein on your mind, lest it wanders off leaving you in the darkness, ever fearful of what will happen next.

Exchange - The Intermediate

The adage that "Time can heal all wounds" isn't an adage for nothing. It is actually wisdom at its best. Time can indeed change a lot of things. As time passes, you know all that you will need to know about the system. You have more or less settled in (or so you think!!). You start building new relationships. You start to kick back too to enjoy. You start attempting to circumvent the system. You get more adventurous in your undertakings, to the point of recklessness and rashness. You attempt things that you would never have done when you just arrived, because you know (or so think) now that it would not result in irrevocable consequences. You start to think, "Hey, I'm on exchange, I should have some fun in the remaining months before I go back!". You remember to say "Hej" to any cashier you meet. You cut lectures. You may not know the end result to some things, but you have the innate belief that they will work out. As your life is comfortable here, you learn to appreciate this alternative lifestyle, and you start to question the Singaporean way of doing things. You grow cynical of Singapore, a society that doesn't allow for even one mistake, that gives no chance of re-corrective behavior. You compare systems across Sweden and Singapore, and start criticizing Singapore for all that it's worth, which appears to be nothing, and then you wonder how is it for the past 20 years of your life you had never questioned the things that you were doing, the sort of things you were compelled to do, the sort of judgements others afflict on you because of what you do. You feel your eyes have really been opened to new horizons, and you have all sorts of new aspirations, inspirations, ambitions, which you promise yourself to fulfil. You wish that you didn't have to go back, but you put that off in the deepest recesses of your mind, so that you can avoid thinking about it. Your only aim is to lead the kind of lifestyle everyone thought that exchange equals to - to have fun and make all your friends envy the fun you are having. You grow more independent and stronger living alone, and you truly think you are your own master, responsible for everything that you do, but you enjoy this responsibility, because you understand (or think you do) the weight that comes with it.

You spin yourself into a new cocoon, a comfortable new living environment. Suddenly Singapore seems so faraway it's like another world.

Exchange - The Consequences

But as with all good times, this one has to end too. So when in a flash so much time has passed that you realize you will have to go back soon, you start worrying about your time here ending, especially because there is so much that you had set out to do initially but have not done yet. In the remaining time, you attempt to cramp almost everything that you had wanted to do within that short period of time. There was the travelling to an exotic place that you should have gone last month, but you put it off because of fear of failing your exams. Then there was that corner of town that you had never explored before, because you had thought last time that you would have all the time in the world to explore where you would be living in for the next half a year. What you had once thought forever (6 months had appeared forever then) now suddenly seems so short. You have just managed to settle down, but there is still so much unexplored potential to fulfil. So, your days, from a laidback approach, suddenly take on a 180 degrees different turn, to one that attempts to cram everything to the fullest, to experience all that can be experienced, yet still having to keep up with schoolwork in order to pass. Life henceforth becomes a neverending cycle of studying your very hardest, then playing the very hardest, then studying the very hardest, and so on and so forth. Until you become so tired, so dejected, that you start wondering again why you are doing all these. But thank god, I'm going home to Singapore soon. Once back, I can have all my favourite food, my material luxuries. I want to go home, because it is even more stressful here.

Finally, towards the end, it is not with a sense of nostalgia that you terminate your presence here with the closure of the bank account and the settlement of telephone and hotel bills. It is rather with a sense of relief that you are getting out of a place where you had felt you never truly belonged. You feel, in a way, very happy that you are going home finally, to an environment that you can fully understand and cope with, to see the people you missed during the half a year, although not critically to the point of homesickness, still with a sense of attachment. You look forward to the catching up with old times that you can have your buddies in Singapore. As your physical presence leaves the country, you are suddenly extremely absorbed in the practicalities of reality, such as the amount of luggage you can carry back, what to bring back and not, how to send back the remainder stuff, so much so that the ensuing chaos is even worse than that you experienced when leaving Singapore initially. But despite a whole series of setbacks and incidents, things work out fine, and you are suddenly on the plane back to Singapore and will be on 11 hours, yet the ride seems so short in comparison to the time you spent flying over, when you know rationally that the amount of time spent travelling was the same both ways. You think you will not miss Sweden, although you never regreted going over there. What you cherish are the memories you accumulated in the process, and these, you promise yourself, will stay with you always.

Exchange - Re-adjustment

As the plane lands in Singapore, Changi Airport, the first thing that hits you upon setting foot onland is the hot weather. You had forgotten how hot Singapore truly is, and although you knew in your mind it would be hot, it hadn't seem as hot in the past. Only then do you realize how truly atuned your body has become to cold weather, to minus zero temperatures. As everyone heads home on their own, so do you, lugging double the amount of luggage you had started off initially. Then it's off to a rocky start to indulging in the local delicacies, which you had forcibly abstained from for the past half a year, since they were so expensive (and tasted terrible too, by local standards).

With barely a chance to catch your breath, school term restarts. All of a sudden, you're thrown headlong into work again, NUS work, as well as those uncompleted Sweden assignments which you had brought home along with you. Sometimes, you are disoriented by why the sun still doesn't set at 4pm, or why nobody greets cashiers here. Then there's also the weather you have to deal with, since even air-conditioned surroundings fail to appease your need for coolness. Passing by the cinemas or CD shops, you have no idea what is being shown or is for sale now. Reading the newspapers, it's all about bird flu, which turns you off completely so much so that you don't read them at all. You go home, dead-beat at night, with no time to do the things you really want to do. Then you start wishing you were back in Sweden, for all those wonderous moments when you could do everything you pleased. For here, you know you will not find it in yourself to do certain things, you know you can't do certain things, and of course, you have to re-orient yourself back in time for the next rat race.

You start cursing when your library loan expires; why they were forever in Sweden. You start hating deadlines; why deadlines could always be negotiated with the lecturer in Sweden. You detest the administrative issues you have to handle; how is it that Uppsala University can function without such a decentralized administrative body and NUS can't? In every small thing that you do, there is always this inevitable comparison between the way things are done in Singapore and in Sweden. And ultimately, you always think the Swedish way makes more sense. The very thing which you had thought wouldn't happen to you - missing Sweden, descends upon you without any warning. You refuse to upload your laptop stuff, because it will signify a permanent closure to that period of life. That which you should let go of, you refuse to, so you cannot adjust back fully. Oh, it's all a matter of time, or so you think. With time, I will be able to go back to the way I used to be. Yet as time passes and you can't do so, you realize it's not that simple. You still refuse to let go of certain things, because these constitute your memories, your experiences, and if you let go of them, you will be left with nothing, and where would that lead you to?

Suddenly, even Singapore seems so alien to you. Your friends, when you see them, are chatting about topics that you feel completely left out about, because you had not participated in their lives for the past 6 months. In a state of numbness, you go about your daily life, because there is nothing left to feel about, to aspire to, to dream of, since these are 'crazy' things which would not be socially acceptable or allowed in a society that preaches of rules and conformity.

..............................................................................................

Sometimes, work helps. It gives you a definite area to focus your mind on, so that you do not have the time to be nostalgic, not when you don't even have sufficient time for a good night's sleep. Going out helps, because as each social circle draws you into their embrace, you can forget about everything and just enjoy the company. As time passes, your re-define your goals, and reset your directions accordingly. And then you start re-formulating a new dream altogether, one that can take place once NUS is over. But in the meantime, you just grit your teeth and bear with it, as you promise yourself you will return to that once carefree life once again; all it takes is a matter of time.

..............................................................................................

M + E = ME? What about E + M?

I am a very self-centered person. Perhaps it was my upbringing as an only child, but I have the tendency to focus on only issues affecting me, and not those general issues that other people seem to enjoy gossiping or discussing about. To me, I define a very clearcut nature between affairs that relate to me, and affairs which are none of my business. So, I'm neutral on most occasions. I also pride myself on knowing my own personality and character rather well, and my inherent stubbornness doesn't allow me to change myself in order to become a more 'pleasant' person, since 'pleasant' is but a societal subjectiveness, which I see no reason that I should bind myself to. To me, my flaws, my strengths, all these are unique and constitute my individuality. Take them away, and I will just fade away to become one of the nameless faces in the population. If there's one thing I hate most, it's blandness. That is why I'm extremist in most things that I feel about; to like something pursue it with passion and determination; to hate something adopt the ultra heck-care attitude regardless of consequences. Such is the confidence I always had in myself, but Sweden did something rather damaging. It took that confidence away.

I wouldn't say that it was anything as dramatic as one particular incident that changed my life completely. Rather, it was more of an ongoing, accumulative process. When I was dealt with one uncertainty after another uncertainty, I thought I could cope, as I had always coped with uncertainty in Singapore before - which was to chuck it to the back of my mind until a resolution was decided on the matter at hand. Similarly, I applied that methodology to deal with that in Sweden. Initially, it worked fine. But as uncertainty after uncertainty built up on more uncertainty, like when you have a house that is built on weak foundations, it is only a matter of time when the house gives way, and then you are overwhelmed. And in that process, my self-founded confidence more or less deserted me, reducing me to a nervous wreck, with no opinions about everything, only wandering around dazedly wondering 'How?' 'Why?' 'What to do next?'

And then there was that part of me, which I had always thought was rationality personified. I've always been a realist, even though a realist who builds castles in the clouds at the wierdest moments. Still, I always judged things by pros and cons. That is why to me, it is so easy to make a judgement. I'm not, I would say, an emotional person, mayheps a little rash sometimes. Maybe I wasn't always this way, but I learnt to control myself in more ways than one. So when Sweden changed me such that I could get worked up over the smallest issue, I couldn't believe it initially. How is it I could feel extreme joy in one moment, yet become a snivelling fool in the next? All the while, I hadn't lost my rationality. I clearly knew I wasn't making enough sense, or that I was being practical, yet I couldn't stop myself from getting involved in everything around me emotionally, so when it was time for the crunch, it became very painful to exercise it. I couldn't stop my emotions from clouding my judgement sometimes, even if at that point in time when I made the decision I realized what kind of undesirable consequences I would get.

All my life, I've always wished I could be independent, to be completely free to do whatever I wished. But I also realized that as long as I was in Singapore, I would never be able to accomplish this, since there are so many invisible links to invisible issues and persons that I cannot shake off completely. I've learnt to live with other people's expectations, and as with every other good person around, constructed an image about me that I portray to others. Well, I'm no longer so sure whether that image still applies to me. In fact, I'm no longer sure whether I'm still the same person I used to think I was. Who am I really? If the me before exchange was M+E, then the me after exchange is E+M. So who am I really? Who will I change into? What will I do in the future? The last was a question that plagued me even before exchange, which I thought I would find an answer to while on exchange. However, after exchange, I still haven't found any concrete answer nor developed any plans; instead, what exchange has done is to throw up even more possibilities on what I could become. In the process of self-learning, I've ironically, become even more lost.

..............................................................................................

On Trax

I seriously never thought that I would become attached whilst on exchange, or rather, more seriously, at any point in this stage of my life. Sure, it isn't that I don't know any guys or have friends who are attached, but I've never felt the compulsion to get attached, or perhaps met someone whom I could really relate to 100%. On going public about being attached, the one question I got asked most was when it started; the next was why I was attracted to him. To these 2, I absolutely have no answers, although I can give very vague replies.

When did it start? I have absolutely no idea. I was not attracted to him before leaving Singapore; I hardly knew him, his ideals, his way of life, or anything other than the bare facts and standard issues. Sure, I chatted with him almost every night online before leaving, but it wasn't on anything personal; it was always about 'work', albeit of a different nature, relating to planning and more planning for the Central Europe trip. But of the people who went with me on exchange, I suppose I knew him the 'best', although that was still a pitiful 'nothing', since I had like next to nothing contact with the others. It wasn't during the Central Europe trip either, although for the first week it was only the 2 of us completely, since Dewi cancelled her trip at the last minute. Admittedly, we grew closer during the trip, since we would crap on and on about everything and anything under the sun, on the night train rides, at night in the hostel with nothing to do. That isn't to say that our opinions didn't diverge; they frequently did. Overall, to put it rather crudely, I had no impression of him whatsoever until perhaps the 2nd night into the trip, when having nothing to do, somehow we started a raging debate on how Science can or cannot explain all phenomena in the world; I opposed it; he supported it. Suffice to say, I always like people with opinions, even though arguing with him was a very troublesome experience, as he would never concede defeat to the one main point I was driving across, while everytime he was about to capitulate, he would draw out some Scientific theory (Einstein's theory of relativity?) from nowhere to support his motion. But then I digress. In short, he became a good friend, but nothing more than that.

Since he was a good friend, and Dewi had to work frequently at the bar so she couldn't join us, we always ended up cooking and eating dinner together. And after dinner, when we were both too full and lazy to do anything else, we would start yet another crapping session, or another argument. It was a fun way of relieving boredom, which would end when the loser of the night could be determined and would have to wash the plates. And circumstances would also have it such that he didn't buy a bike. So being the stingy Singaporeans, we would walk to school and back. In terms of time for interaction, we had plenty. But for all the time in the world, it wouldn't help if we had drastically different personalities. But as fate would have it, we had plenty of common areas, from self-enforced stubbornness, a certain streak of ruthlessness and perfectionism, extremist ideals...so we clicked.

Somehow, I think the biggest catalyst was still the violent quarrels we had, more than the travelling we undertook together, although those were intoxicating. That, plus his and my tendency to freak out at the worst of times. Exchange was never smooth going; it was an ongoing time of trials and tribulations. Perhaps for the lack of no one else, we leaned onto each other for support. And eventually, 2 very cautious, phobia-prone and extremist people got together, not without some struggling, resistance and readjustments to our own personalities however. It wasn't a question of who made the first move, or who chased first. It just happened. Ditto, end of story.

As to why I am attracted to him, I can't answer that question either. Would it make sense if I said that in many ways, I'm attracted to his flaws, which are so much like mine? Nope, it would probably sound like lunacy. To this day, I can associate one long list of flaws to him, but I still can't really associate any really nice qualities about him. In his own words, the a or j-letter unflattering word probably describes him as a person best. I like to think that we know each other quite well, especially after so many long conversations we had about each other's outlook in life; probably that's why we can click. But then that's that; the only redeeming quality he has is trustworthiness, and therefore dependable. But that's cliched. And before this degenerates into a critical analysis of his character, I am going to change the topic of conversation.

(To Trax: If you happen to see this, treat it as a Valentine's Day present; anyway just wanna say thank you for putting up with all my idiosyncracies and for being there for me to lean on when I freak out... you know which incidents I'm talking about, I think.)

..............................................................................................

Realizations

I'm a coward. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but that is basically what I am. I'm also childish, although I hate for others to tell me so. But then I enjoy being both, so I shan't change that. As I slowly climb back onto track to re-define my character again back in Singapore, I fully accept these two qualities and incorporate them into the entity that makes ME. Since coming back, ironically, I've become less of a spendthrift. I don't know in what other small little ways I've changed... probably quite a bit? Or is that change not noticable to other people? I only know I feel changed.

The changes haven't just applied to my character. They have had a greater difference in the way I lead my life. Probably that is also because I moved into hostel. I find myself working much harder nowadays; that perfection streak which I thought I had lost a long time ago seems to have re-surfaced again, so now I tend to place quite a great emphasis on work, which would have been rather 'abnormal' before exchange (Or is it because of Him?? Hmm..) Anyway, in the ensuing days to come, before sourire returns, I shall keep my reservations to myself; perhaps when she comes back then we can have a long chat about all these issues, but I highly suspect she'll even be interested in any sort of 'highly abstract' topic, who knows. In the meantime, I could always start working towards that far-off dream that is going to take me forever to get to. Who knows if I'll ever achieve it, but if there's one thing I learnt from exchange, it is that one must dream before one can get anywhere.

Entries from 15/12/03 and before here
Entries from 08/12/03 and before here
Entries from 06/11/03 and before here
For even more backdated entries, please refer to the archives.